I have been down and out since mid March and perhaps according to my own diagnosis, I am suffering from anxiety attacks, depression and what I called the bi-polar bear syndrome. Admittedly, things are quite hard for me these past few weeks and I think I have the worst case of mental clutter.
I am having difficulties in concentrating, one of my erstwhile super power as well as organizing my thoughts. I am literally in the state of “nothingness” and would like to probably forgot the things I have learned and trained so hard for the past ten years or so. Good thing about blogging, I am slowly getting out of my “nothingness” and eventually facing all of these things. I was able to finish writing and re-writing some blog posts, and doing a new itinerary as I intend to re-discover Manila and beyond in as much as I would like to rediscover my self and play to my strength.
Good things come in small packages. My days are little bit better because of my family and friends. Weekdays are for my family who let me get away with everything I want… playing online games, overeating, letting me watch TV and not minding me for being in the state of “nothingness.” I do appreciate their love, concern and support in this very difficult time. My dog Kobie is also ever so sweet with his Mum. I also enjoy eating with Porky (my brother) and afternoons with Gila (my godchild), and doing errands for my Mom.
Meanwhile, weekends are for friends. I’ve met Macky and Che during the last weekend of March and I am glad to see them after quite sometime. We enjoyed talking and eating Japanese food and later churros and coffee. Although I am still in a relatively in a state of shock when I met them, I am glad to be with them. My Mom indeed made a point, it’s good to go out and breathe some air other than the one inside the house.
The first weekend of April (April 2&3) I was with my former officemate, attending my Kumpare’s birthday. It is a get-together of sorts with the people who stood by their bunso all throughout these years. Come Sunday, I was with my good friend Shell , a very dear friend since I was in grade school. We ate and feasted on chocolate cake and I am happy to see her after almost three months. I am so happy that she’s always there by my side to cheer me up, to check on me and to say that she always believe in me, when at times I myself cease to believe in myself. I am ever thankful for that.
The second weekend of April (April 8 & 9)I was with my college friends. It’s a Friday night of bottomless mojitos and our favorite American foods. I, together with Saleng and the Mr. & Mrs. Kai and Jose enjoyed the night away. We share endless stories of our lives and all the good things we have hoped for in the future. I am so touched by their gesture of simply being there for me, most especially at the lowest point in my life. Among my friends whom I’ve been meeting lately, these three share the same ordeal that I have been through. Their words of encouragement are music to my ears.
The following day is a Spanish Saturday night out with my best friend Cheen. We’ve watched Bolivia, a Spanish movie about illegal immigrant working in Buenos Aires(with sub title of course) and was fighting the urge to sleep during the movie because of a bad case of mojitos hang over. We had a sumptuous Spanish dinner and we simply enjoyed catching up with each other. We also visited Solidaridad Bookstore and saw Sionil Jose, but we weren’t able to take pictures because we were so caught by surprise.
Just last Friday, April 15, I went out with my first set of college friends. Cheen, Ay, Tina and I enjoyed a girls’ night out with the delicious food of Cafe Remedios (temporarily housed at the nearby sister restaurant of Cafe Havana). We had two set of deserts and the girls indeed have some fun. Yeah, we rocked Malate that night with our noise and hearty laughs/guffaws as we talked about past loves/ hates and lives, the people we like and dislikes, of stretchmarks, apendectomy, of vacation, of kids, and just about anything under Manila’s sky. Yes, before Sex and the City, there was us. It’s been almost 17 years when fate brought all of us in España. It’s one sisterhood I will always treasure.
Christmas indeed came to me this April, aside from the loot I got (good haul truly) I am moving on forward from this “nothingness.” I am simply happy to be doing these little steps to recovery. It will take time, but I know time will heal my brokeness. I am doing better this week compared to the previous week and slowly, I am getting a grip.
I am so blessed and thankful for having these wonderful people around me. Their love is my courage and strength to pick up the pieces and move on with my life.